Technopreneurship program...
Recruitment talks...
FYP...

What will my future be?

Where is this path going?

How will I know where to head?

*sigh*

Maybe what is best to do now is to concentrate on what I have to do and stop worrying about the future.
For I have SOMEONE waiting for me in the future... and He will not disappoint.

So for now... FYP and the subjects will be the one occupying my mind. Do my best.

And I'll just see when the future comes...

The first Monday of the second week of school...

Need to pour out some thoughts to organize my mind now... Feeling a weird sensation all over my body now. I'm nervous. Nervous of how this semester will go along. I want to do my best... but somehow I feel now that "what I can do" and "what I hope I can do" don't go along with each other.

For example, presentation this afternoon. I was 'volunteered' by the tutor to present stuff that I haven't prepared at all. I thought I just could do it easily. I thought I could talk well. I thought I could deliver a wonderful speech. But I just couldn't. I used a lot of gap feelers and I had a mental block at a point of my speech and just couldn't think of anything to say. Was not feeling down though. I learned.

Then... I don't know... I don't know how I can feel this way...

I feel totally insecure!!!

Am I special this way? Am I still a special being? How come I can feel so down when I compared myself to others? What can I do and others cannot do? But again, is that matter? How can I contribute to this society? How to maintain my 'special' feeling?

Have I been too arrogant? Thinking that I am too good, too great, too wonderful and think that others are less than me?

I did that sometimes. :( Silly me... I think I still haven't grasped the lesson of life.

Lord... HELP!!! H E L P ! ! !

Is this a call? A call for me to get closer to you? Have I wandered alone, walking away from you? Have I been away from you, Lord?

Then here I am coming back... I am nothing without you. I can't even talk in public confidently. I didn't know what to say. I am not aware of an important task to be done. I am nothing, nothing without you. And I want to be something... I want to be recognized, I want to be praised, I want to be acknowledged.

Not correct. Not correct at all.

I need you, Lord. To find myself... to find who am I have to be. To be one with you. To be love.

ON CHRISTMAS...

Christmas... sometimes, we just get too busy with everything, celebration, presents, etc... and we forget the true meaning of Christmas. Well, maybe not sometimes... maybe most of the time...

The love that came down... Maybe Jesus came NOT merely because we sin and He wanted to save us. He came because He loves. And loving means being present to those we love. He come down to us, live among us, because He love us. He just want to be with us. Feeling what we feel, being happy, sad, angry, disappointed, and afraid. Having what we have, including our weaknesses, our ability to bleed to death... having parents, friends, and even enemies... Experiencing what we experience... being tempted, punished, praised, lifted high, ... being killed. Jesus loves. That's why He came.

And Christmas is His birthday celebration. When we celebrate the LOVE that came down. I guess, we should do what He did. To love. Being present to those we love (and not only giving them presents)... To walk the extra mile for those we love.

There's a lot of divine message in Christmas time... Take time to think about it... pray and talk to the baby that soon will be born in the stable of Bethlehem... and may this Christmas, you experience the real Christmas, experiencing LOVE being born again, not in the stable of Bethlehem, but deep in your heart...

Communication and dialogue proved to be the best tool to stay in love. I started to believe that no matter how bad or ugly, you think, the topic is, you can always talk it out and it will end well... if both of your intention is good and you talk from your heart...

Christmas wish: to have more heart to heart talk... :)

I'm dead tired now... just wishing to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.... :) Good nite...

A busy 10 days. I hardly had time to sit down and write...

Life has been good. Result came out yesterday and it wasn't as good as I expected. A bit disappointed... but then I remembered that who I am doesn't depend on my grades. They are just grade, they don't even judge my performance throughout the semester. They just simply a result of the test I took at the end of the semester. Well, well, I can still grow and be a wonderful girl with all those grades. :P

Just watch 'Life is Beautiful'. A movie about a survivor of Nazi concentration camp. And the title is 'Life is Beautiful'!!! Well, if Guido Orefice can still make life looks bright and beautiful in that concentration camp... my life here and now must be more than bright and beautiful. :) I should be ashamed if I can grumble about this life. Compared to his sufferings and daily work at the camp, my work here is more than a blessing.

29 COMMITMENTS

True love is a decision-commitment to the satisfaction, security, and development of another. Once you have committed yourself, the big question is: Are you going to be faithful because you have to or because you want to?

I think I am going to be faithful because I want to. About the commitments that I have already made, there are some commitments that have more eager "want to" and there are some that have joyless "have to". My commitment as a university student in this major has a joyless "have to". I feel I need a more exciting major where I can be free to create and express myself. The rest of the commitments have a lot of eager "want to"...

When I come to the brink of a new possible commitment... sometimes I get frightened at the thought of irrevocability, but more fear is for the responsibility... Anyway, I've never regretted any commitment that I have made so far.

About a commitment on relationship... I always have eager "want to". When things are going poorly in a relationship, sometimes yes, I feel discouraged and impelled to back out. But usually that feeling only last for a while... after that, I get determined and stimulated by the challenge. I always think that "what doesn't kill us, will make us stronger".

Yep, there are always fear that somewhere in my lofe, through my commitments, I got off the right track and what that has followed has all been a mistake. Because of that fear, I constantly check myself whether I am in the right track. If I didn't do anything that oppose my conscience, if everyone I love is happy, and if I am happy... I guess I am in the right track. God will guide me thru my life.

21 SOURCES of GREATEST SATISFACTION

My idea of a perfect day is more to the accomplishment of a deep sharing with another person, reflection, or doing something for other people. My perfect day is mostly filled with ideas and persons.

At the end of a perfect day, I will feel grateful, happy, satisfied... and it will be very easy for me to be a nice gal.

Anyway, my perfect day will be a day where I can enjoy myself fully... when I can end it gracefully, so even though the day itself is a disaster, if I can pick myself up and somehow turn the mood at the end of the day and able to learn the lesson of the day, it will be a perfect day.

My source of enjoyment: from wandering through a forest, reading a book, conversing with a friend, laughing a lot, being with my loved ones, taking care of children, playing with pet(s), painting, crafting, drawing, walking, writing...

10 BEING LOVED

If someone of unquestionable sincerity and sound judgement were to say to you, "I love you," how would you react inferiorly? Are you able to accept love happily? Can you surrender to the joy of being loved without suspicion of mistaken identity or fear of later rejection? Do you feel free about being yourself with someone who loves you, or are you extra careful not to disillusion that person and lose his or her love?

After a long thought, I might not be able to accept the love just like that... maybe I would ask thousand of question of why does the someone love me... I still have the suspicion of mistaken identity and fear of later rejection. What if he knows the whole of me? Would he still love me like he said he do?

I think I feel free to be myself... well, at least I try to be myself with someone who loves me. I want people love me for who I am, and not for a person that is good and sweet and nice in their mind. But sometimes I have fears. When I love to do things that he doesn't like to do... When I accidentally hurt his feelings without even knowing that the action I did will hurt... When I couldn't talk excitedly about things that he likes to talk about... When he got angry and I couldn't stand it... It hurt me when I hurt him...
I think I am afraid that he might love the wrong woman... Maybe somewhere out there, someone more suitable for him is waiting... I am afraid that after sometime, he will think that I am the wrong one...

Maybe I still couldn't accept the fact that I am lovable... Because sometimes I still wonder about God and His love too... I couldn't understand fully why He loves us, why He loves me. He knows me inside out, He knows my worst attitude, He knows my weaknesses, He knows the evil in my heart, He knows how lazy I am, how bad I can be at times... He knows that I was not always faithful to Him... He knows I am not strong... yet He claim I am His and He loves me. How could that be?

For my relationship with Him, there is no fear of mistaken identity or later rejection... Cause I am sure that He knows me... even to the smallest cell of my body and to the deepest thought of my mind. So this is a complete disbelief that I am a lovable girl and it is possible to someone as (put the most describable word) as Him would love someone like me. I know the fact... I just couldn't accept it.

Maybe I haven't love myself as I should, huh?

J.C. this posting is addressed to you.

Thank you for EVERYTHING that you have blessed me with. I'm sorry that our relationship was not that close as we wanted it to be... but I've realized now, how empty my life is without you.

I've let my feeling 'down' over a small thing this whole day. Friends and stuff... And I really forgot about You and all your blessings. Shame on me.
Sorry for being an egoistic brat... Thank you for my friends and loved ones, thank you for every moment I live...

I love you... and I will always do.

Just talked to you over the phone and you taught me another thing...

What impressed me is what you said about difficult times... when there is nothing happened, then we can all be sweet and nice to each other... but when problem comes, some need arises, or whatever... then you will know better of that person (and us ourselves, I suppose)... from the action that we do, things we say or think... or something like that.... Reminds me of a quote that I once heard, "It is easy to be an angel when nobody ruffles your feathers".

And also, maybe problems are good for relationship... It will give chance to both parties to know each other better...

Then about being childish... Papa said that too... Coz at home, the few last holidays I spent there, I still ran around, asked to be piggy-backed by him,... Sometimes I felt that I don't really want to grow up... It is quite scary to be a grown up... So, I accepted your concern, and I'll try to grow up. :) Will do my best, and maybe you can do your part to remind me (gently) if I do some silly stuff or talk in the way that you don't like.

Thank you for being there when I need it. :) Really grateful to have you!